Why is it hard to change?

If change was easy I wouldn’t find much work as a clinical psychologist. Even doing what I do – with the knowledge I have about psychology and change I still personally find it hard to make beneficial changes at times, even small ones. Consider the relatable classic – knowing you would benefit from getting to bed a bit earlier. I don’t need to check the research on the impact of getting a decent sleep to know for sure that it would make me feel less tired and in many other ways better the next day. But can I get myself to do it at will? That’s really quite hit and miss. And not being able to use my own will in such a simple matter is quite annoying. So what is happening when we struggle to make these beneficial changes?

I’ll stay in my comfort zone, even if it kills me

One explanation psychology offers is the concept of habits. When we repeat a particular action the connections the brain uses to allow us to function (called neurons) are strengthened for that particular action. The more we repeat, the more familiar and more automatic the action becomes, so we are eventually doing it without really thinking about it. This is especially the case where what we are doing gives us a temporary boost in some way – for example, the taste of chocolate, enjoyment of watching another episode on Netflix rather than going to bed, or reducing unpleasant feelings such as cravings or anxiety. The brain releases a chemical called dopamine when we get something we want. If this chemical’s message could be put into words it would say ‘I liked that, I’ll do it again’.

This is (a very brief account of) how habits are formed. There are some clear advantages of our ability to act in this way – learning any skill is one of them, since this requires repetition until what you are doing becomes automatic. Also getting into a routine can be extremely helpful for the requirements of ‘doing life’. However we can quickly find that our habits and routines build a comfort zone around us that becomes hard to step outside of.  Over time we can get really stuck, even if we have a strong desire to start doing things differently or what we are doing is putting us or others in danger of future harm.

I want to change but tomorrow, not now!

In our minds it is easy to justify setting the moment we change at a comfortable distance in the future – tomorrow, next week, in the New Year (I relate to all and more). I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t effective – putting it off becomes a habit in itself. Initially we feel good when we put things off - relieved, less anxious, more relaxed, and able to do what we want short term instead of what we need longer term. All of this encourages us to do it again. But the more lasting effects of putting off making positive changes is that we start feeling depressed, ashamed, ineffective, and losing confidence – because we are not being the person we want to be or living the life we want to live.

How psychologists think change happens

A key theory in psychology of how we change is the cycle of change by Prochaska and DiClemente (they introduced it in 1983 – initially referring to quitting smoking but later it was recognised it applied much more broadly).

The cycle of change highlights that becoming aware of the need for change, intending to change and actually changing do not all happen at the same time. They tend to follow on from each other, and the time this takes is extremely variable from person to person, and situation to situation. I have observed that where we get stuck most is the contemplation or preparation stage. Being stuck here really sucks – because we know we want to change, we know the benefits, and we also know we are not doing it yet. And when we do take action, it needs to be regular to ‘maintain’ the change i.e. form new habits and expand our comfort zone. In the original theory relapse was an inevitable part of the change cycle, and I’m sure many of us can relate to this. However it is possible to maintain the changes we make so the cycle (and the diagram I’ve produced above) has been updated to reflect this.

Why do we get stuck?

Psychology covers a number of insights into why we get ourselves so stuck here. I’ll cover a few that I think are most relatable.

Fear, anticipation and discomfort

When we step outside of our established habits and brain pathways we experience discomfort. There may be positive emotions also - like excitement, pride and determination. However widening our comfort zone is likely to involve one of more of the following - tolerating uncertainly over the process and outcome, fear of failing and ending up worse off for your efforts and fear of how we are seen by others (either for making changes that they don’t approve of or feeling embarrassed for trying and ‘failing’). All of these are natural responses to change and managing these feelings and progressing anyway is an essential life skill. It allows us to build confidence in ourselves and see that we are able to do difficult things.

Unconscious patterns

Explaining what the unconscious is and how it operates would warrant its own blog, if not a series, so I won’t go into detail. But good to note that we can get stuck in unhelpful habits early on in life, and as an adult have no awareness of memories which would explain why this is the case.

I’ll give an example. If a person was brought up by parents who were overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a parent and treated their child as if they were a burden, even though the rational mind can look at this and say – the fault doesn’t lie with the child – at the time the child doesn’t know this. So they can take on a lot of guilt and develop a belief that if their parent feels this way about them it must be true. This might lead a person to find it uncomfortable getting close to and relying on another person, and therefore feel don’t have satisfying relationships but don’t understand why.

Therapy helps connect the dots in understanding why, and there is much we can do about it once we bring these patterns into awareness. I have sadly worked with many clients who say that they parents told them they weren’t wanted or loved, and this led them to believe they were unlovable.

Anxiety and depression

Change can be tough enough when we feel at our best but having certain mental health struggles can make change seem impossible, and this has been the focus of much of the therapy work I’ve done with clients over the years. For example, when we are feeling depressed energy and motivation are extremely limited, and depression comes with a tendency to only notice negatives – so we can be blinded to the importance and benefits of change, and see little hope we will be able to do it.

Another key example is anxiety, which is often related to difficult or traumatic past experiences. When our brain and body is telling us it is essential for our survival to stay in a carefully constructed comfort zone, this can make it extra hard to take those initial steps to action a change. Anticipatory anxiety is a big motivation killer - it can leave you sweating, shaking and thinking only of the worst things that could possibly happen. Seeking informal (family and friends) or formal support (e.g. therapist or coach) can be useful where this is the case.

It is important to say that although change may be most difficult when we feel at our worst, being at rock bottom can be a catalyst for some of the most astonishing and inspiring changes that humans make. The concept of post-traumatic growth indicates that some of our most important growth can only come from going through hard times.

Unconscious ‘busy’ living

This is a big one for busy people living busy lives. When I worked for national health services full time not so long ago, I felt brain achingly busy and by the end of the working day, I was often spent. My resilience for dealing with the discomfort required to make changes and my energy for making them was affected. This didn’t mean I couldn’t or didn’t make any changes during that time – but when I did, it could feel like a monumental effort. When I finished work it never felt easier to say to myself that I would start tomorrow or next week. Laughable really that this is the reality of a full time psychologist, but I know many people who are not psychologists who experience the same thing.

Decision fatigue

I felt validated about my end of work day experience when I read about the concept of decision fatigue in Caroline Adams Miller’s fantastic book ‘Getting Grit’. Each time we have to make a decision i.e. what to choose, do, say, eat, wear, where to go, live, work etc, we spend some of our limited decision making energy. We have a limited battery for decision making until we can recharge by resting and looking after ourselves. Life, work, families, the modern world and being human require us to decide what to do repeatedly, and for many the ‘looking after yourself’ bit is just another set of things we need to fit in.

There is an article by Michael Lewis about an interview he did with Barack Obama (during his presidency) and they talked about the heavy weight of the decisions he had to make on a daily basis. Obama said that a key strategy was to ‘pare down decisions’. What he meant was not to allow his decision making energy to be wasted on small decisions - such as when to do things, what to wear and what to eat - ‘You need to routinize yourself. You can’t be going through the day distracted by trivia’. This allowed him to spend his decision making energy where it mattered most. I could relate to this, though the impact of my decisions is not quite in the same league...

In the Western world we have never had more freedom and choice over the things we buy, do, say etc. However, one of the downsides to this is using up our decision making potential just getting through the excessive (and many unessential) details of the day, distracting us from using that energy to be who we really want to be.

One marshmallow or two?

Another relevant psychology concept is our ability to ‘delay gratification’. In normal language, this just means being able to resist the impulse to have what we want now, usually so that we can have more of what we want later.

The marshmallow experiment describes it well (originally done by psychologist Walter Mischel). The experiment puts kids in a room on their own with no distractions. An experimenter enters and gives them one marshmallow. They are told they can either eat the marshmallow or leave it on the table until the researcher comes back, and then they can have a second marshmallow and eat both.

There are a lot of factors that influence how able we are to delay gratification, and there has been debate over how accurately your response in a laboratory based situation (i.e. unnatural) can predict future success in life. However, it is clear that being able to wait rather than to give in to every temptation as it arises is a key life skill, especially when it comes to making changes that have a long term rather than immediate pay off, such as completing a qualification.

There has been a lot of research done around this concept, some suggesting that ability to delay gratification is set very early in life. My take on it is that although habits can be harder to change when they have been going on for a long time, they can still be changed. I also see that my own ability to delay gratification can vary based on what I have going on in life, so it is likely this is the case for others also. 

How do you get around all of these obstacles?

In my honest opinion, to change your behaviour you have to decide to take responsibility for yourself, your life and how well it is going for you, and follow through. I will share tips and tricks that people find useful, but ultimately it’s important to note the simple truth and I prefer to avoid trying to overcomplicate it. There is a reason that the powerful statement ‘just do it’ was chosen for Nike’s highly successful brand campaign.

Tips and tricks

              Plan for working around barriers you can predict will come up

We can try to be clever about making changes to increase our chance of success, for instance by considering what might get in your way when you make changes so you can brainstorm possible solutions in advance. At times what gets in the way is out of your control, but what is in your control is how you handle that. If you will be too tired after work, can you do it in the morning? Can you reduce temptation by not having the thing you are trying to avoid available to you (e.g. certain food, alcohol, cigarettes)? Can you do exercise with someone else, so this encourages you to stick to the plan?

              Start small

If you feel stuck in a rut, try starting with small changes. This is not a cop out, it is a wise way to do it. Small changes which are not too difficult allow for an easy win, boost confidence and self-efficacy (belief in yourself that you can do this). It takes the most energy to start and is easier to continue when you create some momentum, so starting small will mean you don’t need as much power in the battery to begin. So for example, if you want to go to bed an hour earlier, starting with 10 minutes will help challenge some of the thoughts that put you off which are likely untrue (e.g. predicting that you won’t sleep and that this 10 minutes will be the worst 10 minutes ever). The chemical dopamine I talked about earlier will help you to feel good when you take an action towards change, no matter how small. Psychologically it will give you a sense of pride that will encourage you to continue.

              Setting goals – keep it simple

Most of us are not taught how to make and work towards goals. I know this because I cover the basics of this with many of the clients I work with. I also know it was not covered when I was at school, like many other useful life skills (as a side note, please can psychologists help set curriculums…?). Anyway, my preference is to keep goals simple – establish the change you want to see in yourself and your life. Consider how you will know when it’s done. Break it down if needed into a series of smaller goals. Consider steps you will need to take to get there and start taking them. Review progress as you go. If what I just said was overwhelming, get someone to look at this with you – friend, family member, therapist, coach.

              Resolutions

Resolutions have a bad reputation due to being mainly associated with New Year plans to make major life changes that rarely happen. But I see resolutions as a valid and potentially more productive alternative to goals. A resolution is not something you ‘achieve’, it is something to consistently strive towards. You therefore can’t fail at it or ‘fall off the wagon’. I think resolution vs goal is similar to the dynamic of lifestyle change vs short term diet, it’s about the person you become, not just what you have managed to do one time.

              Reduce decision fatigue 

Don’t waste energy making unnecessary decisions or trying to change too many things at once. This is likely to reduce your chance of success. Not everyone likes routines (I don’t really) but everyone (including me) benefits from reducing time spent pondering options that don’t really matter in the overall scheme of things. I have a morning and after work routine, and I try to just do it, then my progress towards my goals is done and I have decision making energy to spare for following up new things that interest me and going outside of my comfort zone (which are resolutions for me rather than goals).

              Be accountable

Some people (including me) find it helpful to ‘be accountable’. So if I tell someone whose opinion I care about that I am making a change at a certain time, I am more likely to do it rather than put it off. The thought of them thinking bad of me is a more powerful motivator than just feeling bad about myself. If you care what other people think of you like I do, use this to your advantage. Also the other people you tell can help – by encouraging you or by doing it with you, which will also make you more likely to maintain the actions needed to change.

To conclude

There are many other things I could have added in to this article but it was getting to be a long one! If you have any thoughts about why it’s hard to change or what helps you, I’d love for you to add them to the comments.

Finally, good luck with the changes you would like to make – I know you will feel proud when you take steps towards them.